I have just looked for yesterday's last entry and can't find it. I fear that the computer has erased it. I wrote about Freudian psychoanalysis and listed the names of the four psychoanalysts, including Berne, who developed "schools" outside of psychoanalysis by working with patients in the "now" rather than starting out with the ponderous individual analysis of dreams to bring forth repressed material from the Unconscious.
Hoping it can be retrieved , I will proceed with what I consider to be so special about Berne's discoveries and creation of Transactional Analysis that my whole approach to therapy was changed radically. From having felt "burnt out" as a psychoanalytic therapist in l964, after using TA, I found new interest, excitement and life energy in treating clients and in offering treatment and training workshops. I could see that I helped people improve their lives and gain satisfaction from their work. Eventually I got to contribute theoretical and practical insights to the field. I remain dedicated to TA, but miss the work and its challenges to the point where I have started this blog to compensate and perhaps help me avoid sinking into depressive lethargy.
1. Ego states
Berne's most important discovery was to show that, psychologically, a grown individual does not develop from childhood into adulthood the way the physical body grows from a small size to larger sizes. . When it comes to thinking and feeling, all the different dynamic ways of thinking and feeling with which a person functioned in the past, since infancy, continue to co-exist in the "Now", in addition to memories stored in the unconscious. Thus,each one of us may shift from one "ego state" to another from minute to minute according to circumstances and the specific moment to moment interchanges of communication ("transactions") that may be taking place with others at each particular moment in time.
Each "ego-state" is a distinct system for thinking and feeling,. Theoretically we operate with hundreds, maybe thousands of potential egostates. However, as a way of establishing manageable categories for gross distinctions among systems, Berne named three broad categories which correspond roughly to developmental stages, naming them Child, Parent and Adult. They can be visualized as three labeled circles.
The Child ego state contains a number of sub-systems which can be shown as concentric circles within the circle showing the Child, like the rings in a branch of a tree which can be seen on a cross-section of a branch or tree trunk. The Child ego state continues to exist throughout a person's life and any one of these subsystems for thinking and feeling may operate at any moment of someone's life.
The Parent ego state starts developing at about age two and starts operating full force around age 5, continuing up to the end of someone's life. It, also, contains concentric circles corresponding to parental influences and "voices"
of parents, teachers and mentors as they affected the individual while growing up - continuing right to the end of someone's life.
The Adult, lastly, can be compared to an internalized computer which is set to deal with the reality of a person's life when called upon by an outside source or by any aspect of the internal Child or Parent. It starts functioning at adolescence, which is why this period is often stormy. The Adult ego state gets updated constantly as the circumstances and reality change in a person's life . Often, the Adult, representing rationality, mediates between conflicting wishes or expectations of the Child or of the Parent. Like the two other ego states it, also, continues to be available up to the end of a person's life unless taken over, or "contamined" by one or both of the other ego states, as imay happen because of Alzheimers disease or senility.
2. Strokes and Transactions
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
About Psychoanalysis, precursor of Cognitive therapies and Transactional Analysis (TA)
Yes indeed I owe much to Transactional Analysis, therefore to Eric Berne, who originated it.
I have already referred to it and urged readers to read my summary under "Articles" on the Web of
USATAA.org - where I refer to Freud as precursor. I will summarize here also, starting with Freud.
He was the great genius who discovered the vast domain ofr the Unconscious into which we tend to repress, during childhood, all kinds of memories and experiences and, in particular, thoughts and feelings considered unacceptable by our parents or society. In later life, these may manifest as all kinds of painful or distressing psychosomatic symptoms. When formerly repressed thoughts and feelings become conscious, a person can use his/her adult mind and faculties to deal with them rationally and can thus obtain relief from previously overwhelming symptoms. Freud considered dreams to be the "royal road to the Unconscious" .By "analyzing " a person's dreams he could help him or her bring repressed material to light. This is easier said than done, because repressed thoughts and feelings are usually disguised, so the process of psychoanalysis is a long one. It became a good research method for Freud and led him to many additional valuable insights about human nature, but it is ponderous, time consuming and expensive for an average patient.
However for a long time the psychoanalytic method seemed like the only way to help patients improve their lives, and in the United States, in many cities, psychiatrists established Psychoanalytic Institutes to train and certify American psychoanalysts.
Four such trained and practicing psychoanalysts developed treatment modalities and "schools" of their own, avoiding the psychoanalytic emphasis on detailed delving into past experiences before dealing with present-day dilemmas. Instead, they showed that by focusing conscious power on the "Now" there are ways to to circumvent analyszing the past regardless of the fact that present-day problems originate during childhood. They were:
1. Fritz Perls
2. Alfred Ellis
3. Aaron Beck and:
4. Eric Berne who developed Transactional Analysis
I have already referred to it and urged readers to read my summary under "Articles" on the Web of
USATAA.org - where I refer to Freud as precursor. I will summarize here also, starting with Freud.
He was the great genius who discovered the vast domain ofr the Unconscious into which we tend to repress, during childhood, all kinds of memories and experiences and, in particular, thoughts and feelings considered unacceptable by our parents or society. In later life, these may manifest as all kinds of painful or distressing psychosomatic symptoms. When formerly repressed thoughts and feelings become conscious, a person can use his/her adult mind and faculties to deal with them rationally and can thus obtain relief from previously overwhelming symptoms. Freud considered dreams to be the "royal road to the Unconscious" .By "analyzing " a person's dreams he could help him or her bring repressed material to light. This is easier said than done, because repressed thoughts and feelings are usually disguised, so the process of psychoanalysis is a long one. It became a good research method for Freud and led him to many additional valuable insights about human nature, but it is ponderous, time consuming and expensive for an average patient.
However for a long time the psychoanalytic method seemed like the only way to help patients improve their lives, and in the United States, in many cities, psychiatrists established Psychoanalytic Institutes to train and certify American psychoanalysts.
Four such trained and practicing psychoanalysts developed treatment modalities and "schools" of their own, avoiding the psychoanalytic emphasis on detailed delving into past experiences before dealing with present-day dilemmas. Instead, they showed that by focusing conscious power on the "Now" there are ways to to circumvent analyszing the past regardless of the fact that present-day problems originate during childhood. They were:
1. Fritz Perls
2. Alfred Ellis
3. Aaron Beck and:
4. Eric Berne who developed Transactional Analysis
truly, why this blog?
Ive re-read what I wrote so far ; I seem to be going round in circles. Behind all I've written here so far is that I want to be able to formulate (for myself, and, eventually for others - to use as they may see fit) as honestly and as clearly as possible, how and why it is that I have been so successful iwith my workshops in Europe between l981 until now. It sounds arrogant or embarrassing or narcissistic or grandiose to say this, alhough it's true. Furthermore, why bother, now that I 'm 94 and firmly closed the possibility of further workshops in Europe, with the idea that I might as well stop "at the top" rather than slowly deteriorate - although I am starting a small bi-monthly consultation group for "people helpers" to still keep my little finger in the process).
What I mean by "success" is that all my workshops went well - some extraordinarily well - with full satisfaction of participants and, more important, with good lasting results in the lives, relationships and/or careers of most, as proven by feed-back received years later, word-of-mouth referrals by previous participants and by my growing reputation , so that no publicity was necessary as the years went on - just an announcement of a "therapy group" or "training group" " general workshop" with my name suffiiced for it to be filled, with a waiting list. Yes my fees were high - well above those of others with similar offerings. (This pattern started originally because between l972, - my first workshop in Germany, - and l980, when I closed my Institute in Philadelphia and decided to work full time in Europe; I had wanted to limit my time in Europe because I still had my Instritute and a few other commitments in the US. )
Now I must say that although I always anticipated that a workshop would go well enough, from an Adult perspective it still seems amazing that most they worked out as well as they did, considering the diversity of the populations, ages, cultures and backgrounds of the people I worked with, especially when I think of the many instances of glowing feed-back from people who claimed, years later, that I had changed their lives. A person I barely remembered might quote a statement or other that I allegedly made years ago as having had a particular transformative effect.This kind of response was baffling; even when I remembered the person or the workshop referred to, the quotation would surprise me - I did not recognise it - it seemed banal, or incidental, not worthy of the extraordinary effects it was said to have elicited. Was it imagined by the person who quoted it, ascribing it to me? Yet this occurred many times, with conviction.
So what was behind such repeated success? My conscious and overt responses were, of course, to be pleased and honored, and I would focus on whoever it was offered such appreciations by thanking or offering whatever encouragement was applicable. However some of the time, in truth, I'd experience a twinge - well-nigh superstitious feeling, and the phrase : "Pourvu que ca dure!" (on condition that it lasts!) - would come to mindt. That was the phrase Napoleon's mother was said to have uttered, in her Corsican style, after each one of his successes. (As we know in transactional analysis, the Parent ego state takes on strange disguises; yes, I must still tell you more about TA, dear Stratosphere, and I will, in due course. )
In fact this may be the moment to say more about Transactional Analysis (TA) to which I owe my success in large part - rather, to the way I have incorporated it as my way of thinking and feeling - including significant additions I have made to the basic theory. However before I do let me say that beyond TA and beyond my childhood experiences with my grandfather, to which I owe my self-confidence, and which I will also tell you more about later, there is still this mysterious "energy transmission"/ intuition process that I want to explore - the one that occurred with my teen-age "fortune telling" experiences I referred to before, to which I ultimately want to devote much more attention - it is the wish for more clarity about some of this - the "magic" that happened over and over in my work - , that actually underlies my having taken on the challenge of struggling to express myself with this blog.
What I mean by "success" is that all my workshops went well - some extraordinarily well - with full satisfaction of participants and, more important, with good lasting results in the lives, relationships and/or careers of most, as proven by feed-back received years later, word-of-mouth referrals by previous participants and by my growing reputation , so that no publicity was necessary as the years went on - just an announcement of a "therapy group" or "training group" " general workshop" with my name suffiiced for it to be filled, with a waiting list. Yes my fees were high - well above those of others with similar offerings. (This pattern started originally because between l972, - my first workshop in Germany, - and l980, when I closed my Institute in Philadelphia and decided to work full time in Europe; I had wanted to limit my time in Europe because I still had my Instritute and a few other commitments in the US. )
Now I must say that although I always anticipated that a workshop would go well enough, from an Adult perspective it still seems amazing that most they worked out as well as they did, considering the diversity of the populations, ages, cultures and backgrounds of the people I worked with, especially when I think of the many instances of glowing feed-back from people who claimed, years later, that I had changed their lives. A person I barely remembered might quote a statement or other that I allegedly made years ago as having had a particular transformative effect.This kind of response was baffling; even when I remembered the person or the workshop referred to, the quotation would surprise me - I did not recognise it - it seemed banal, or incidental, not worthy of the extraordinary effects it was said to have elicited. Was it imagined by the person who quoted it, ascribing it to me? Yet this occurred many times, with conviction.
So what was behind such repeated success? My conscious and overt responses were, of course, to be pleased and honored, and I would focus on whoever it was offered such appreciations by thanking or offering whatever encouragement was applicable. However some of the time, in truth, I'd experience a twinge - well-nigh superstitious feeling, and the phrase : "Pourvu que ca dure!" (on condition that it lasts!) - would come to mindt. That was the phrase Napoleon's mother was said to have uttered, in her Corsican style, after each one of his successes. (As we know in transactional analysis, the Parent ego state takes on strange disguises; yes, I must still tell you more about TA, dear Stratosphere, and I will, in due course. )
In fact this may be the moment to say more about Transactional Analysis (TA) to which I owe my success in large part - rather, to the way I have incorporated it as my way of thinking and feeling - including significant additions I have made to the basic theory. However before I do let me say that beyond TA and beyond my childhood experiences with my grandfather, to which I owe my self-confidence, and which I will also tell you more about later, there is still this mysterious "energy transmission"/ intuition process that I want to explore - the one that occurred with my teen-age "fortune telling" experiences I referred to before, to which I ultimately want to devote much more attention - it is the wish for more clarity about some of this - the "magic" that happened over and over in my work - , that actually underlies my having taken on the challenge of struggling to express myself with this blog.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
telephathy?
Sigrid and I have been out of touch for months- yet just today, after having written yesterday about her and my biography, I find an e-mail from her! Coincidence?Perhaps. Yet such "coincidences" seem to be happening to me a lot - like receiving a telephone call the very minute I'm about to call someone I haven't talked to for a long time....I do believe there is something like telephathy - communication through the airwaves - the stratosphere - ways that seem mysterious to us nowadays simply because science has not yet masteered the technique - how one mind can communicate with another through the airwaves or the elecrtric energy around us, the way television is transmitted,. For that matter, to me, that this blog, being typed in my study in California can be read, for instance by Suriya in India, seems equally mysterious , and the only reason I know it can happen is because I received a message from him. It's just that nowadays we still need the technical intermediary of the internet; -in the future, I believe people will be able to train their minds for direct telepathic communication without such an intermediary whenever they want to, instead of just by "coincidence" - Anyway, I do believe that I have some ability or talent to being a "receptor" though I still don't know how to guide it . In fact, perhaps the episode I described previously about intuiting that the man palm I held was contemplating suicide ties in to this ability - or, in effect, intuition.
I know that my intuition has served me well in the course of doing my many workshops - often "rationalized" as the ability to identify ego states faster and more precisely than just through experience or training.
Perhaps this is really the topic I want to explore in some detail in the course of writing this blog .
For now, here is another experience that comes to mind:-
I suffered a bad accident in October l999 - 3rd degree burns on my left arm and back - from having worn a nylon kimono which caught fire - spent more than 2 months in the hospital - should have died, statistically l02% likelihood given my age - but thanks to excellent care - 6 skin grafts done by Dr. Ikeda at St,Francis Hospital - I recovered completely. During the period of recovery, in the course of my 2nd month at the hospital , while I was still on heavy opiate drugs, there were a number of times where I had the physical sensation of messages of goodwill tingling at my skin. Imagination? Perhaps. Yet often such sensations were quite strong. Of course, during this period, my daughter was busily sending e-mail reports about my condition to large numbers of friends all over the world who were inquiring and sending cards and good wishes by mail, and when she visited she would read some to me or show me cards. So I was well aware that many people were thinking about me. Still, I did feel that these physical sensations of "receiving good will through the skin" were of a particular kind, perhaps comparable to what Transcendental Meditation devotees talk about, and beyond simple auto-suggestion. Anyway, nowadays if/when a friend is sick or grieving I do try to mentally concentrate to "transmit" good feelings - which may or may not be helpful, but then, why not?
I know that my intuition has served me well in the course of doing my many workshops - often "rationalized" as the ability to identify ego states faster and more precisely than just through experience or training.
Perhaps this is really the topic I want to explore in some detail in the course of writing this blog .
For now, here is another experience that comes to mind:-
I suffered a bad accident in October l999 - 3rd degree burns on my left arm and back - from having worn a nylon kimono which caught fire - spent more than 2 months in the hospital - should have died, statistically l02% likelihood given my age - but thanks to excellent care - 6 skin grafts done by Dr. Ikeda at St,Francis Hospital - I recovered completely. During the period of recovery, in the course of my 2nd month at the hospital , while I was still on heavy opiate drugs, there were a number of times where I had the physical sensation of messages of goodwill tingling at my skin. Imagination? Perhaps. Yet often such sensations were quite strong. Of course, during this period, my daughter was busily sending e-mail reports about my condition to large numbers of friends all over the world who were inquiring and sending cards and good wishes by mail, and when she visited she would read some to me or show me cards. So I was well aware that many people were thinking about me. Still, I did feel that these physical sensations of "receiving good will through the skin" were of a particular kind, perhaps comparable to what Transcendental Meditation devotees talk about, and beyond simple auto-suggestion. Anyway, nowadays if/when a friend is sick or grieving I do try to mentally concentrate to "transmit" good feelings - which may or may not be helpful, but then, why not?
continuing
Let too many days go off - now had trouble locating this blog - forgot my password!!!! Meanwhile some nice comments received - Thank you.
My idea in starting this blog was to keep proceeding daily from the "now" and then insert biographical material - however when I allow so many days to go by I feel a bit overwhelmed with all the "current" ideas that have accumulated and I realize also that this way of writing may be too disjointed for readers. I am torn with too many goals, and imaginary readers that are so different from one another that I cannot choose my direction either.
In the US, friends have often suggested that I write an autobiography - indeed there have been exciting periods in my life, what with war years, changes of cultures, and, these last 20 years, traveling around and doing very varied workshop. However, my biography has been written - in German - and pulished in 2004 - I don't feel like translating it, and my life has been quite eventful since. Furthermore it does not truly represent how I feel about myself - or rather, how I now look at my life - past and present - although there are detailed descriptions of events.
There's quite a story about this biography - might as well go there, now. - So:
One day, in Spring l999, at the conclusion of a workshop in Germany, a young woman, Sigrid Roehl, approached me and told me point blank that she wanted to write my biography, and would I let her interview me? My first reaction was to be critical: - Did she realise, even if I agreed, that this would involve many many hours, which I could not dispose of easily as I was traveling around in various places - furthermore it would be a waste of time as she would never find a publisher even if she wrote it. Howeve she was adamant - she was an experienced journalist, she would meet me here and there, she would adapt to my schedule, etc. With much reservation, which I expressed, and partly to test her, I told her that we could only have a couple of hours this week, and next week I would be in France, and later in the US. .......
To make a long story short, over the next four years Sigrid kept her word. She followed me to France (even arranging for her husband and two sons to go with her!) and then of course met with me during and after a number of other workshops in Germany . At one point she came to the US - San Mateo - during which time she recorded piles and piles of tapes as she got me more and more involved in her project. I found that I could be very honest about my many mistakes and at various points added theoretical insights and ideas I had contributed to the body of TA theory. For instance in regard to rackets theory I used my own rackets as examples, having identified them only after having developed the theory. After a few years I myself became intrigued with the development of this book and the possibility that it might serve as a teaching tool in the future, using examples out of my life, so near the end I also visited with Singrid a few times, for meanwhile she had resumed teaching at a grade school to balance her budget...
Finally the book was finished. I did not expect her to find a publisher (and had warned her about it many times over the years), but , again, I was to be surprised. Evelina,and Klaus Vopel, of Isko Press, immediately agreed to publish the book when she submitted it to them. They insisted on entitling it: Fanita English - about her life and Transactional Analysis - although I had wanted a more anonymous title, more like a case history to illustrated theory. (A new edition is appearing now with just such a title, which, in my opinion better represents the value of the book for a potential reader, especially perhaps a professional woman in her fifties or sixties - or a man married to such a woman.)
In truth, I was quite shocked when the book finally appeared, in August 2004. Even though, I was always quite open with my workshop participants in regard to how I saw them, when it came to my own life I still operated with the belief, instilled into me through years of psychonalysis, that the less they knew about my personal life the more effective would be our work in regard to issues of transference and projections.
During the four years of cooperation with Sigrid, my atttitude about the biography had gone from detached and sceptical to more and more involved, as the interviews had increasingly helped me to insights and I became increasingly open about my experiences. Indirectly these interviews became well=nigh therapeutic, certainly more valuable to me than the 8 years of psychoanalysis I had endured from l956-64. However I truly never believed - 1) that Sigrid would ever complete the book and 2) that anyne would ever want to publish it.(In fact sometimes I felt quite guilty about Sigrid's investment of time and money in the project except that in the course of these four years I helped Sigrid relate to her own teen-age children and the grade children she was teaching in very different ways than before, with great results). Anyway, was sure that even if the book would see the light of day it might happen long after I ceased doing workshops..
Now, here was the book; - in bookstores - in August 2004 just in the middle of the summer when I had a number of workshops scheduled! Well, perhaps none of the participants would be aware of it?Wrong! What happened was worse. Some participants, in August and September, did see the book, and some did not -inevitably the book became a topic of discussion in the first workshop after publication, but I still managed to keep it subdued.
By Spring and summer 2005 , when I did a number of workshops in Germany, all participants there had read the book in advance before attending a workshp. However none in France or Italy (where I also worked that summer ) had done so, since it was in German . And here is the interesting thing that happened:-
It was no harder working in Germany, with those who had read the book, than working elsewhere, where they had not. In fact, in many instances participants seemed to be more open, freer, from having read the book, and we could joke about some issues that had happened in my life. So my fears were unnecesssary!
By now I feel convinced that transparency about the therapists's own life is never harmful, and often actually accelerates therapy. Of course a precondition is for the therapist to allow herself to be comfortable with the view of her as a very imperfect individual, prone to elementary mistakes.This offers hope that you can pull yourself out of a ditch - even if you've fallen into a similar one many times before, but sooner or later you can learn to improve - at least to the extent of managing yourself in relation to others (and to yourself, most of the time!) Also it is important not to inflict one's experiences onto clients. A book gives them a choice - read or disregard - or both. For all this, what is important?
In my opinion, learning about ego states - and experiencing their differences - is a major contribution from TA. This aside is due to having today received an e-mail from a therapist thanking me for having introduced her to elementary TA (i.e. ego states - mine and those of others ) It's good to be reminded how important ever-increased awareness of differences of ego states has been to my own mental balance. I must write much more about this some time.
So......having brought up this 2004 biography , I must add that although it is factually totally accurate, with more information about me than I might wish, I still feel it does not really represent me - somehow, with a third party writing, feeling tones are left out.......Will this blog compensate?
My idea in starting this blog was to keep proceeding daily from the "now" and then insert biographical material - however when I allow so many days to go by I feel a bit overwhelmed with all the "current" ideas that have accumulated and I realize also that this way of writing may be too disjointed for readers. I am torn with too many goals, and imaginary readers that are so different from one another that I cannot choose my direction either.
In the US, friends have often suggested that I write an autobiography - indeed there have been exciting periods in my life, what with war years, changes of cultures, and, these last 20 years, traveling around and doing very varied workshop. However, my biography has been written - in German - and pulished in 2004 - I don't feel like translating it, and my life has been quite eventful since. Furthermore it does not truly represent how I feel about myself - or rather, how I now look at my life - past and present - although there are detailed descriptions of events.
There's quite a story about this biography - might as well go there, now. - So:
One day, in Spring l999, at the conclusion of a workshop in Germany, a young woman, Sigrid Roehl, approached me and told me point blank that she wanted to write my biography, and would I let her interview me? My first reaction was to be critical: - Did she realise, even if I agreed, that this would involve many many hours, which I could not dispose of easily as I was traveling around in various places - furthermore it would be a waste of time as she would never find a publisher even if she wrote it. Howeve she was adamant - she was an experienced journalist, she would meet me here and there, she would adapt to my schedule, etc. With much reservation, which I expressed, and partly to test her, I told her that we could only have a couple of hours this week, and next week I would be in France, and later in the US. .......
To make a long story short, over the next four years Sigrid kept her word. She followed me to France (even arranging for her husband and two sons to go with her!) and then of course met with me during and after a number of other workshops in Germany . At one point she came to the US - San Mateo - during which time she recorded piles and piles of tapes as she got me more and more involved in her project. I found that I could be very honest about my many mistakes and at various points added theoretical insights and ideas I had contributed to the body of TA theory. For instance in regard to rackets theory I used my own rackets as examples, having identified them only after having developed the theory. After a few years I myself became intrigued with the development of this book and the possibility that it might serve as a teaching tool in the future, using examples out of my life, so near the end I also visited with Singrid a few times, for meanwhile she had resumed teaching at a grade school to balance her budget...
Finally the book was finished. I did not expect her to find a publisher (and had warned her about it many times over the years), but , again, I was to be surprised. Evelina,and Klaus Vopel, of Isko Press, immediately agreed to publish the book when she submitted it to them. They insisted on entitling it: Fanita English - about her life and Transactional Analysis - although I had wanted a more anonymous title, more like a case history to illustrated theory. (A new edition is appearing now with just such a title, which, in my opinion better represents the value of the book for a potential reader, especially perhaps a professional woman in her fifties or sixties - or a man married to such a woman.)
In truth, I was quite shocked when the book finally appeared, in August 2004. Even though, I was always quite open with my workshop participants in regard to how I saw them, when it came to my own life I still operated with the belief, instilled into me through years of psychonalysis, that the less they knew about my personal life the more effective would be our work in regard to issues of transference and projections.
During the four years of cooperation with Sigrid, my atttitude about the biography had gone from detached and sceptical to more and more involved, as the interviews had increasingly helped me to insights and I became increasingly open about my experiences. Indirectly these interviews became well=nigh therapeutic, certainly more valuable to me than the 8 years of psychoanalysis I had endured from l956-64. However I truly never believed - 1) that Sigrid would ever complete the book and 2) that anyne would ever want to publish it.(In fact sometimes I felt quite guilty about Sigrid's investment of time and money in the project except that in the course of these four years I helped Sigrid relate to her own teen-age children and the grade children she was teaching in very different ways than before, with great results). Anyway, was sure that even if the book would see the light of day it might happen long after I ceased doing workshops..
Now, here was the book; - in bookstores - in August 2004 just in the middle of the summer when I had a number of workshops scheduled! Well, perhaps none of the participants would be aware of it?Wrong! What happened was worse. Some participants, in August and September, did see the book, and some did not -inevitably the book became a topic of discussion in the first workshop after publication, but I still managed to keep it subdued.
By Spring and summer 2005 , when I did a number of workshops in Germany, all participants there had read the book in advance before attending a workshp. However none in France or Italy (where I also worked that summer ) had done so, since it was in German . And here is the interesting thing that happened:-
It was no harder working in Germany, with those who had read the book, than working elsewhere, where they had not. In fact, in many instances participants seemed to be more open, freer, from having read the book, and we could joke about some issues that had happened in my life. So my fears were unnecesssary!
By now I feel convinced that transparency about the therapists's own life is never harmful, and often actually accelerates therapy. Of course a precondition is for the therapist to allow herself to be comfortable with the view of her as a very imperfect individual, prone to elementary mistakes.This offers hope that you can pull yourself out of a ditch - even if you've fallen into a similar one many times before, but sooner or later you can learn to improve - at least to the extent of managing yourself in relation to others (and to yourself, most of the time!) Also it is important not to inflict one's experiences onto clients. A book gives them a choice - read or disregard - or both. For all this, what is important?
In my opinion, learning about ego states - and experiencing their differences - is a major contribution from TA. This aside is due to having today received an e-mail from a therapist thanking me for having introduced her to elementary TA (i.e. ego states - mine and those of others ) It's good to be reminded how important ever-increased awareness of differences of ego states has been to my own mental balance. I must write much more about this some time.
So......having brought up this 2004 biography , I must add that although it is factually totally accurate, with more information about me than I might wish, I still feel it does not really represent me - somehow, with a third party writing, feeling tones are left out.......Will this blog compensate?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
continuing
Yes, essentially I expect this blog to function pretty much as did my workshops, with the difference that I am both subject and object,and you, my stratosphere, will implement my figuring out what I am doing, I hope, as I report to you and assume your interest.
So: Today I went to the Contemporary Jewish Museum of San Fran with a small group organized by the Peninsula Regent (the retirement community I belong to, referred to previously).This museum was founded a few years ago yet so far I never had the opportunity to visit. Today I gathered that they depend primarily on loaned exhibits, and the one we got to see was of a collection of paintings that had belonged to a Jewish art dealer in the Netherlands. He fled, the collection was confiscated by the Nazis, eventually returned to the Dutch government after the war and only recently returned to the man's heirs. The collection itself was not as interesting as the human drama presented about the tracing, researching, reconstructing and, finally, the return of the paintings to owners, 2 generations later.
I also visited another part of the museum, which claims to be working on the Torah in modern terms, using modern tools. The project, " 304,805, explores the Torah "as a historical artifact, ritual object, scribal tradition and contemporary muse". They claim that each person's hand is related to one of the letters of the Hebrew alphabet, and there is a machine that allows you to get an imprint of your hand (the inside of your palm) which in turn (by computer) tells you to which letter of the alphabet it (you) correspond. Mine turned out to be the 8th letter ("Chet"). There are books telling what each letter stands for. Chet stands for "Truth". Also, allegedly, my imprint shows that I have a "divided soul" ; - they say that the upper part of my throat fights with the lower part of my throat.
So now I have to figure out what that metaphor stands for. I am tempted to agree with it - in that, like many Jews I tend to think of ideas and options with the view::"on the one hand, but on the other hand......" I have often been teased about always seeking one option and then another and still another in making a decision although I think of myself as a pretty decisive person - except for wanting to explore more options than may be necessary or desirable.
I am also quite intrigued by the present-day experience, which reminds me of my attraction to the gypsy fortunetellers of my youth.
Yes, I'll insert bits of biography as they come up from the "now" ; - so here goes:-
.
As indicated in my profile, I lived in Istanbul during my school years although my parents were Romanian. My father was employed as the Near East representative of an a Romanian and international oil company so we - father mother and I - lived in Istanbul (Turkey) between l921 and l932 - during which time I went to an English school - from Kindergarten to High school graduation.
We were quite isolated as a family and my mother, who was an energetic person and felt uprooted, with not much to do, concentrated far too much on supervising me from the moment I came from school. Fortunately for me, by contrast to American schools which encourage PTA participation, the snobbish British school I attended prohibited maternal "interference" as long as a child did well in school ,(which I did), and there were various after school activities - like sports and drama as well as voluntary after school sessions for homework.
So my mother could never know exactly when I was due home from school - it could be any time between 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. I did not like sports, but I loved wandering around the streets of Istanbul (they were pretty safe in those days, especially in the "European" area where we lived and where foreign schools were located. )So I frequently took a couple of hours getting home, allowing my mother to believe I was kept after school.
There were all the street peddlers around, and little stalls selling sweets and flowers and, best of all, there were gypsy fortune tellers of all kinds, ready to read tea leaves, coffee dregs, zodiak signs, and, best of all read your palm if you "crossed it with silver"; (a few coins would do too!) My parents were generous with pocket money (again, thinking some was needed at school!) so I always had enough for some of the sticky sweets I loved, regardless of the flies buzzing around them, and, of course, plenty to get my palm read.
As time went on, and I hanged around one gypsy or another, a few became quite motherly with me , showing off and instructing me - generous with their time, pleased that I tried to learn their skills, bragging about their predictive abilities and teaching me ways to assess potential customers.
As a result, during my high school years my hobby was "studying" a French encyclopedia of mystical arts. I became quite convinced about the validity of palmistry even though it was often difficult to reconcile the allegedly scientific rules of palmistry with the way my favorite gypsies practiced it.
My mother and I used to spend my summer vacations at a resort in Romania (where she could visit her sister, my beloved aunt Dida and my little cousin Nita) or sometimes we went to a resort in Austria or Switzerland. Here and there, whenever I had the opportunity with strangers I would offer to "read their palms" and secretly practice my skills. In such vacation settings people were willing to indulge me and usually gave me pretty positive feedback. I always wondered whether they just wanted to be nice to me, or whether, intuitively I just sensed what I needed to say for a positive response, or whether - since I sometimes conscientiously "read" the lines on people's palms in accordance with some guidelines from the French encyclopedia - these instructions were indeed, fool-proof.
Until, one day, I had a terrible experience.
It started in the large "salon" at a resort "pension" where my mother and I were vacationing. My mother was playing bridge, and I was there also, bored, with a book that was not particularly interesting. One of the hotel guests who had previously been at our dinner table was now sitting on a couch near the window, staring into space. He looked like a good candidate to test my fortune-telling skills; I came up to him, and asked him if he would like me to "read his fortune." "All right," , he said, and showed me his two palms, as I requested , to compare his left palm (his genetic fate) with his left palm (his life as he was developing it). There was enormous difference there, and very unusual criss-crossed lines on the right palm. Before I knew what I was saying, I said: "You are very confused; are you thinking of suicide?" With this he pulled his hands back, stood up abruptly and said, in a very agitated voice: "tell me, where do you see this?"
Scared by his reaction, I tried to backtrack - but he turned around and walked off precipitously. I felt overwhelmed with terror, much of it, I must admit, with the thought that he would complain to my mother, who was still peacefully playing bridge. I went on sitting there, hoping he's come back. Finally I went out to the reception area, which was empty except for the man at the desk - I asked whether he had seen Mr,......(he had introduced himself at dinner). " Yes, he just checked out - I got him a taxi", he said.
That's the end of this story - I never found out what happened to Mr. ....and that was also the end of my fortune-telling experiments and "study" thereof. It was to be my last school year and was quite eventful in other ways. I had to study very intensely for exams (that's a different story I'll tell another time) so my schoolgirl life kept me busy enough, after which much else followed. So I dropped my interest in fortune telling, but remained with some nostalgia about it which got revived occasionally like today, when ,(times change!) it was the computer in the Jewish museum , rather than a gypsy, which led me to acknowledge that, indeed, I have a "divided soul" with an argumentative throat.
Perhaps that's why I need to write this blog?
So: Today I went to the Contemporary Jewish Museum of San Fran with a small group organized by the Peninsula Regent (the retirement community I belong to, referred to previously).This museum was founded a few years ago yet so far I never had the opportunity to visit. Today I gathered that they depend primarily on loaned exhibits, and the one we got to see was of a collection of paintings that had belonged to a Jewish art dealer in the Netherlands. He fled, the collection was confiscated by the Nazis, eventually returned to the Dutch government after the war and only recently returned to the man's heirs. The collection itself was not as interesting as the human drama presented about the tracing, researching, reconstructing and, finally, the return of the paintings to owners, 2 generations later.
I also visited another part of the museum, which claims to be working on the Torah in modern terms, using modern tools. The project, " 304,805, explores the Torah "as a historical artifact, ritual object, scribal tradition and contemporary muse". They claim that each person's hand is related to one of the letters of the Hebrew alphabet, and there is a machine that allows you to get an imprint of your hand (the inside of your palm) which in turn (by computer) tells you to which letter of the alphabet it (you) correspond. Mine turned out to be the 8th letter ("Chet"). There are books telling what each letter stands for. Chet stands for "Truth". Also, allegedly, my imprint shows that I have a "divided soul" ; - they say that the upper part of my throat fights with the lower part of my throat.
So now I have to figure out what that metaphor stands for. I am tempted to agree with it - in that, like many Jews I tend to think of ideas and options with the view::"on the one hand, but on the other hand......" I have often been teased about always seeking one option and then another and still another in making a decision although I think of myself as a pretty decisive person - except for wanting to explore more options than may be necessary or desirable.
I am also quite intrigued by the present-day experience, which reminds me of my attraction to the gypsy fortunetellers of my youth.
Yes, I'll insert bits of biography as they come up from the "now" ; - so here goes:-
.
As indicated in my profile, I lived in Istanbul during my school years although my parents were Romanian. My father was employed as the Near East representative of an a Romanian and international oil company so we - father mother and I - lived in Istanbul (Turkey) between l921 and l932 - during which time I went to an English school - from Kindergarten to High school graduation.
We were quite isolated as a family and my mother, who was an energetic person and felt uprooted, with not much to do, concentrated far too much on supervising me from the moment I came from school. Fortunately for me, by contrast to American schools which encourage PTA participation, the snobbish British school I attended prohibited maternal "interference" as long as a child did well in school ,(which I did), and there were various after school activities - like sports and drama as well as voluntary after school sessions for homework.
So my mother could never know exactly when I was due home from school - it could be any time between 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. I did not like sports, but I loved wandering around the streets of Istanbul (they were pretty safe in those days, especially in the "European" area where we lived and where foreign schools were located. )So I frequently took a couple of hours getting home, allowing my mother to believe I was kept after school.
There were all the street peddlers around, and little stalls selling sweets and flowers and, best of all, there were gypsy fortune tellers of all kinds, ready to read tea leaves, coffee dregs, zodiak signs, and, best of all read your palm if you "crossed it with silver"; (a few coins would do too!) My parents were generous with pocket money (again, thinking some was needed at school!) so I always had enough for some of the sticky sweets I loved, regardless of the flies buzzing around them, and, of course, plenty to get my palm read.
As time went on, and I hanged around one gypsy or another, a few became quite motherly with me , showing off and instructing me - generous with their time, pleased that I tried to learn their skills, bragging about their predictive abilities and teaching me ways to assess potential customers.
As a result, during my high school years my hobby was "studying" a French encyclopedia of mystical arts. I became quite convinced about the validity of palmistry even though it was often difficult to reconcile the allegedly scientific rules of palmistry with the way my favorite gypsies practiced it.
My mother and I used to spend my summer vacations at a resort in Romania (where she could visit her sister, my beloved aunt Dida and my little cousin Nita) or sometimes we went to a resort in Austria or Switzerland. Here and there, whenever I had the opportunity with strangers I would offer to "read their palms" and secretly practice my skills. In such vacation settings people were willing to indulge me and usually gave me pretty positive feedback. I always wondered whether they just wanted to be nice to me, or whether, intuitively I just sensed what I needed to say for a positive response, or whether - since I sometimes conscientiously "read" the lines on people's palms in accordance with some guidelines from the French encyclopedia - these instructions were indeed, fool-proof.
Until, one day, I had a terrible experience.
It started in the large "salon" at a resort "pension" where my mother and I were vacationing. My mother was playing bridge, and I was there also, bored, with a book that was not particularly interesting. One of the hotel guests who had previously been at our dinner table was now sitting on a couch near the window, staring into space. He looked like a good candidate to test my fortune-telling skills; I came up to him, and asked him if he would like me to "read his fortune." "All right," , he said, and showed me his two palms, as I requested , to compare his left palm (his genetic fate) with his left palm (his life as he was developing it). There was enormous difference there, and very unusual criss-crossed lines on the right palm. Before I knew what I was saying, I said: "You are very confused; are you thinking of suicide?" With this he pulled his hands back, stood up abruptly and said, in a very agitated voice: "tell me, where do you see this?"
Scared by his reaction, I tried to backtrack - but he turned around and walked off precipitously. I felt overwhelmed with terror, much of it, I must admit, with the thought that he would complain to my mother, who was still peacefully playing bridge. I went on sitting there, hoping he's come back. Finally I went out to the reception area, which was empty except for the man at the desk - I asked whether he had seen Mr,......(he had introduced himself at dinner). " Yes, he just checked out - I got him a taxi", he said.
That's the end of this story - I never found out what happened to Mr. ....and that was also the end of my fortune-telling experiments and "study" thereof. It was to be my last school year and was quite eventful in other ways. I had to study very intensely for exams (that's a different story I'll tell another time) so my schoolgirl life kept me busy enough, after which much else followed. So I dropped my interest in fortune telling, but remained with some nostalgia about it which got revived occasionally like today, when ,(times change!) it was the computer in the Jewish museum , rather than a gypsy, which led me to acknowledge that, indeed, I have a "divided soul" with an argumentative throat.
Perhaps that's why I need to write this blog?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
continuing re hopes and goals for this blog
Edie called yesterday - she trained with me in TA prior to l972 when I was running my Institute in Phiiladlphia and afterwards we became friends over the years - she has had an exciting life, was successful as a filmmaker got involved in manyventures including much volunteer work in prisons. She was quite skeptical about this blog, pressing me to tell her what it's about ;- yes, Edie, this is precisely what I am aiming to do with what will follow - except that it will also represent a process as thoughts and feelings and memories come up in the course of my daily life, which also needs to be the central focus. of this blog.
Specifically - many people have urged me to write up my memories - for indeed my life has been quite dramatic in many ways, - there were distinct phases - and my "persona" my sense of self - and the way I reacted to the world.
And others have urged me to write more about the way I conducted therapy - and, later, many different kinds of workshops, since I finally developed quite a novel and distinctive way of working - often with amazingly good, yet frequently quite unexpected results. What were some of the seemingly "magic" ingredients? This sounds arrogant and self-serving - it is not intended thus - rather it's that although I have had much solid training and experience and have consistently applied myself to learn theory and to articulate and refine the concepts I developed in the course of working all these years, ultimately the best, frequenly surprising results occurred thanks to unexpected insights or decisions my clients came up with in the course of our work. These clearly occurred as a result of our relationship; apparently they were due to unplanned, unexpected, unconscious connections we established one-to-one as well as to the many interactions and inter-relationships that occurred among the participating members of each workshop.
Recently, in responding to questions aasked by a prospective client for a small bi-monthly consultation group I am setting up, I wrote the following, which i related to what I refer to above:-
"Although I depend on my background knowledge of Transactional Analysis, Gestalt therapy, and psychonalytic and developmental theory, and am likely to insert 5-10 minute theoretical tidbits that seem to apply to this or that issue being discussed, unlike "typical" professional consultants my main focus, in offering consultation, is not on the "case" being discussed (so I don't expect prepared case presentations or diagnoses) but rather on the feelings, sensations, impressions, of the therapist in relation to certain moments with one or another client.
Specifically - many people have urged me to write up my memories - for indeed my life has been quite dramatic in many ways, - there were distinct phases - and my "persona" my sense of self - and the way I reacted to the world.
And others have urged me to write more about the way I conducted therapy - and, later, many different kinds of workshops, since I finally developed quite a novel and distinctive way of working - often with amazingly good, yet frequently quite unexpected results. What were some of the seemingly "magic" ingredients? This sounds arrogant and self-serving - it is not intended thus - rather it's that although I have had much solid training and experience and have consistently applied myself to learn theory and to articulate and refine the concepts I developed in the course of working all these years, ultimately the best, frequenly surprising results occurred thanks to unexpected insights or decisions my clients came up with in the course of our work. These clearly occurred as a result of our relationship; apparently they were due to unplanned, unexpected, unconscious connections we established one-to-one as well as to the many interactions and inter-relationships that occurred among the participating members of each workshop.
Recently, in responding to questions aasked by a prospective client for a small bi-monthly consultation group I am setting up, I wrote the following, which i related to what I refer to above:-
"Although I depend on my background knowledge of Transactional Analysis, Gestalt therapy, and psychonalytic and developmental theory, and am likely to insert 5-10 minute theoretical tidbits that seem to apply to this or that issue being discussed, unlike "typical" professional consultants my main focus, in offering consultation, is not on the "case" being discussed (so I don't expect prepared case presentations or diagnoses) but rather on the feelings, sensations, impressions, of the therapist in relation to certain moments with one or another client.
It has been my experience (based on more than 30 years of experience offering workshops and consultations to a wide range of therapists and other "people helpers" as well as "people managers" (as in businesses or training programs) that successful outcomes depend, to a large extent, on the quality of relationship established between the "helper" and client, preceded by whatever mutually agreed upon "contract" they establish about what it is exactly that they can jointly expect. to achieve.
In this process the therapist's continuing awareness of his or her countertransference reactions is crucial. Yet unfortunately much of the training of therapists indirectly encourages them to repress or block out counter-transference reactions by focussing instead on the client's diagnosis, the details of his/her problems, and/or the client's transference reactions.. Often this leads to unconsciuous stress for the therapist - particularly if he/she is conscientious and eager to do a good job . Therapists in private practice who do not have opportunities to "vent" with colleagues during the coffee break are particularly vulnerable . Ultimately there is the burn-out so many therapists suffer from, which is then ascribed simply to "difficult" clients or a heavy work-load."
There is more I want to say on this subject - another time. I'm too sleepy now.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
About me.......
In response to recent comment from Jonathan, here is a temporary introduction about me:-
As I mentioned, I'm 94, I live in an apartment at a very fancy retirement center in San Mateo which takes care of my daily elementary needs (like dinner service, help with getting groceries, mail, errands, housecleaning, etc) and has a fine swimming pool where I go every day. The people living here are very nice, but I have not socialized much because until now I was primarily involved in traveling to Europe on a regular basis to conduct workshops (about which I will be telling you much more).Most women around me
are of my generation and have not been as intensely involved with their careers (their work) as I was, and are happy to enjoy their life of leisure, by contrast to myself who, until now actually appreciated living here precisely because it gave me the freeedom to travel regularly for the workshops I conducted in Europe/.
I had started doing these in l972 when I lived in Philadelphia and had my psychotherapy and training Institute for Transactional Analysis and Gestalt.t Of course it was easier traveling toEurope from Philadelphia than from San Francisco, where I moved in l991 to live closer to my daughter, yet I was able to continue traveling on a reduced basis until this year when my body started giving out (various arthritic pains),causing my present dilemmas.
And before doing workshops, and what kind of workshops? That's what I'll be writing about as I proceed, also about how I got to become a Transactional analyst in l964 after having been a psychoanalyst. Also a little about Transactional Analysis itself. (About which, if interested, you might want to check the Website of the United States Transactional Analysis Association (USATAA.org) and, under Articles you'll find two of mine, (Fanita English) the first summarizing some of the "TA" I use and the other some theory I added.)
And before l964? A long story which I also hope to get to, including early childhood in Romania, life in Istanbul at a British school, life in France including studies at the Sorbonne and the French psychoanalytic Institute, flight from Europe after the German "Blitz" attack on France in l940, arrival in New York , graduate schooling, marriage, two children, married life in Chicago and Philadelphia until divorce, child therapy practice, running an Institute for emotionally disturbed children, psychoanalytic training , University of Chicago teaching, involvement with Transactional Analysis, (1964) founding my Institute,(l970) various intense relationships, workshops exclusively in Europe since l981 and full circle now to feeling propelled to use this blog to keep myself alive as a "former shrink".
Ok Jonathan and others who asked?
Now I' ll proceed from "Now" each time and see what retrospective items will come up...........
As I mentioned, I'm 94, I live in an apartment at a very fancy retirement center in San Mateo which takes care of my daily elementary needs (like dinner service, help with getting groceries, mail, errands, housecleaning, etc) and has a fine swimming pool where I go every day. The people living here are very nice, but I have not socialized much because until now I was primarily involved in traveling to Europe on a regular basis to conduct workshops (about which I will be telling you much more).Most women around me
are of my generation and have not been as intensely involved with their careers (their work) as I was, and are happy to enjoy their life of leisure, by contrast to myself who, until now actually appreciated living here precisely because it gave me the freeedom to travel regularly for the workshops I conducted in Europe/.
I had started doing these in l972 when I lived in Philadelphia and had my psychotherapy and training Institute for Transactional Analysis and Gestalt.t Of course it was easier traveling toEurope from Philadelphia than from San Francisco, where I moved in l991 to live closer to my daughter, yet I was able to continue traveling on a reduced basis until this year when my body started giving out (various arthritic pains),causing my present dilemmas.
And before doing workshops, and what kind of workshops? That's what I'll be writing about as I proceed, also about how I got to become a Transactional analyst in l964 after having been a psychoanalyst. Also a little about Transactional Analysis itself. (About which, if interested, you might want to check the Website of the United States Transactional Analysis Association (USATAA.org) and, under Articles you'll find two of mine, (Fanita English) the first summarizing some of the "TA" I use and the other some theory I added.)
And before l964? A long story which I also hope to get to, including early childhood in Romania, life in Istanbul at a British school, life in France including studies at the Sorbonne and the French psychoanalytic Institute, flight from Europe after the German "Blitz" attack on France in l940, arrival in New York , graduate schooling, marriage, two children, married life in Chicago and Philadelphia until divorce, child therapy practice, running an Institute for emotionally disturbed children, psychoanalytic training , University of Chicago teaching, involvement with Transactional Analysis, (1964) founding my Institute,(l970) various intense relationships, workshops exclusively in Europe since l981 and full circle now to feeling propelled to use this blog to keep myself alive as a "former shrink".
Ok Jonathan and others who asked?
Now I' ll proceed from "Now" each time and see what retrospective items will come up...........
March 8,2011
Sarah J. was here overnight, on her way to Korea (she is a social worker, , retired from years of working for Kaiser Permanente, now employed by the Army for part-time assignments at various US bases throughout the world). I live quite near the San Francisco airport, and many friends thus visit me - sometimes overnight, on arriving, or before departing from the San Francisco airport. This maintains contacts for me with people whom I would not see otherwise for months or years).
So we continued with a discussion we had in January, shortly after she had left Kaiser and before she knew of the present assignment. At the time I had found her surprisingly irritable and tense, and had commented about it. She now referred to this and told how at the time she was "dealing with retirement blues" (she is in her seventies, much younger than me, but obviously in the "senior" category). Her "blues" have disappeared now that she is on this new assignment, but she anticipates having a rough time again in May when she returns and the assignment is completed, with no information as to whether she may have another assignment.
We compared notes, for I have been having similar "retirement blues" now that I have definitely retired from doing workshops in Europe. .........- Oh, I just realised! I haven't yet told you yet why I started this blog.! It's precisely to deal with the "retirement blues" I was having. I suppose I am somewhat "escapist": I see this blog as becoming a "solution" for me and a way to escape retirement blues - whereas Sarah believes in facing such pain in the "now" as a way to gowing through "to a higher level of evolution" (??????)
The truth is that this approach is beyond me .
So back to why I've started this blog - or, rather, even further back, to the fact that ever since l981 until July of this year, when I firmly announced, at the European Transactional Analysis conference in Prague ( where I was given the 2010 gold medal for "Lifetime Achievement",) that I would no longer be coming to Europe to conduct workshops because such continuous travel has become too demanding physically , I have been dealing with a sense of deprivation - nothing to look forward to, just face all the mess in my files and in my study . Yes, for years I have been talking about how I must find the time to make some order in my files, in my books (which are on my bookshelves still the way the movers placed them , eleven years ago when I moved, to to the retirement center I live in ) in my closets, in my drawers - get my living room sofa and chairs re-upholstered or buy new furniture, etc. etc. At the present time I cannot find any copies of articles I have written, my voluminous files are meaningless; they are also where the movers put them. And I feel overwhelmed by all my unanswered correspondence, some of it quite stimulating , if only I could find the references I'd like to call on for a proper reply.
There are stacks of papers on the bookshelves in the closet of my study. Before a trip I would delve into a couple of stacks and find a few copies of papers that could be useful for one workshop or another ahead - but these have gotten messed up too as trips accumulated:, by now "throw away" material is combined with "essential" material that I needed for my trips - and although for a long time at least I kept material separated by language (German, French Italian and English) even this distinction is no longer reliable, so by now although I hired a young woman to help me sort out material to discard, I had to do it with her (and find the time for it) because because over time had not separated languages sufficiently.
So I was getting more and more depressed, with a sense of hopelessness, and "venting" (complaining) to my daughter, until one day she said:- On the one hand you complain about missing the workshops, they stimulated you and gave you the sense of feeling alive, whereas now you feel depressed. On the other hand you complain about feeling overwhelmed for lack of time to do all you set out to do each day. Which is it?
Not enough to do or too much to do?
"It's both", I answered . And suddenly - propelled by the mysterious inner source we sometimes call the Unconscious (to which others give many many other names) came the Inspiration - as I happened to read a simple article about blogs. I knew that yes, a blog is what I need, although it may sound strange to think of a blog fulfilling for me the function of the workshops I was conducting in Europe!.
Which means now that I need tell you more about what I hope to achieve with this blog - doing so may correspond to how I worked with participants of my workshops when we established a "contract" with each about what she or he they wanted to gain from the workshop they were in.
But now I am sleepy......will have to continue later or another day.
So we continued with a discussion we had in January, shortly after she had left Kaiser and before she knew of the present assignment. At the time I had found her surprisingly irritable and tense, and had commented about it. She now referred to this and told how at the time she was "dealing with retirement blues" (she is in her seventies, much younger than me, but obviously in the "senior" category). Her "blues" have disappeared now that she is on this new assignment, but she anticipates having a rough time again in May when she returns and the assignment is completed, with no information as to whether she may have another assignment.
We compared notes, for I have been having similar "retirement blues" now that I have definitely retired from doing workshops in Europe. .........- Oh, I just realised! I haven't yet told you yet why I started this blog.! It's precisely to deal with the "retirement blues" I was having. I suppose I am somewhat "escapist": I see this blog as becoming a "solution" for me and a way to escape retirement blues - whereas Sarah believes in facing such pain in the "now" as a way to gowing through "to a higher level of evolution" (??????)
The truth is that this approach is beyond me .
So back to why I've started this blog - or, rather, even further back, to the fact that ever since l981 until July of this year, when I firmly announced, at the European Transactional Analysis conference in Prague ( where I was given the 2010 gold medal for "Lifetime Achievement",) that I would no longer be coming to Europe to conduct workshops because such continuous travel has become too demanding physically , I have been dealing with a sense of deprivation - nothing to look forward to, just face all the mess in my files and in my study . Yes, for years I have been talking about how I must find the time to make some order in my files, in my books (which are on my bookshelves still the way the movers placed them , eleven years ago when I moved, to to the retirement center I live in ) in my closets, in my drawers - get my living room sofa and chairs re-upholstered or buy new furniture, etc. etc. At the present time I cannot find any copies of articles I have written, my voluminous files are meaningless; they are also where the movers put them. And I feel overwhelmed by all my unanswered correspondence, some of it quite stimulating , if only I could find the references I'd like to call on for a proper reply.
There are stacks of papers on the bookshelves in the closet of my study. Before a trip I would delve into a couple of stacks and find a few copies of papers that could be useful for one workshop or another ahead - but these have gotten messed up too as trips accumulated:, by now "throw away" material is combined with "essential" material that I needed for my trips - and although for a long time at least I kept material separated by language (German, French Italian and English) even this distinction is no longer reliable, so by now although I hired a young woman to help me sort out material to discard, I had to do it with her (and find the time for it) because because over time had not separated languages sufficiently.
So I was getting more and more depressed, with a sense of hopelessness, and "venting" (complaining) to my daughter, until one day she said:- On the one hand you complain about missing the workshops, they stimulated you and gave you the sense of feeling alive, whereas now you feel depressed. On the other hand you complain about feeling overwhelmed for lack of time to do all you set out to do each day. Which is it?
Not enough to do or too much to do?
"It's both", I answered . And suddenly - propelled by the mysterious inner source we sometimes call the Unconscious (to which others give many many other names) came the Inspiration - as I happened to read a simple article about blogs. I knew that yes, a blog is what I need, although it may sound strange to think of a blog fulfilling for me the function of the workshops I was conducting in Europe!.
Which means now that I need tell you more about what I hope to achieve with this blog - doing so may correspond to how I worked with participants of my workshops when we established a "contract" with each about what she or he they wanted to gain from the workshop they were in.
But now I am sleepy......will have to continue later or another day.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Hello Stratosphere!
Amazing! I'm 94 years old - just retired a few months ago from traveling all over Western Europe, doing workshops. And been feeling........depressed? anxious? bored? ........on the way to decrepit disappearance. Realized that although the workshops were supposedly for the sake of clients, actually I had become dependent on them to give meaning to my life, to maintain challenge and novelty. And now? Stare at four walls, with no plans for the future? Yes, surely at 94 you're not supposed to think of the future, says my Parent - but I do - I need to - i WANT to! Not just death.
Oh, I realise I just used the term "Parent" - and capitalized it. That's TA vocabulary. Or - let me say, from vocabulary used by Transactional Analysts. What's that? - ok - I'll have the pleasure of lecturing you a little, dear Stratosphere. For this is what I did in my workshops. Interspserse theory - TA theory, preferably - with content, with responses to clients or comments due to my reactions.
Yes, so TA was developed by Eric Berne (l9l9-l970) in California, originally for the sake of improving psychotherapy, but pretty soon it became a means of improving and/or clarifying communication in all fields - for instance in the business world, for counseling, etc.......and, as a former psychoanaylst, I took to it like a duck to water. I'll tell you more about it - however just now my wonnderful son-in-law, Wayne, is looking over my shoulder, wondering when I'll stop. You'll be hearing more about Wayne also, along with much else, for he is the one who just set this up for me - and listening or reading my rambles was not part of our "contract". So, Fanita (that's my real name) time to stop for now! and you'll hear more from me soon for this
is very exciting......
.
Oh, I realise I just used the term "Parent" - and capitalized it. That's TA vocabulary. Or - let me say, from vocabulary used by Transactional Analysts. What's that? - ok - I'll have the pleasure of lecturing you a little, dear Stratosphere. For this is what I did in my workshops. Interspserse theory - TA theory, preferably - with content, with responses to clients or comments due to my reactions.
Yes, so TA was developed by Eric Berne (l9l9-l970) in California, originally for the sake of improving psychotherapy, but pretty soon it became a means of improving and/or clarifying communication in all fields - for instance in the business world, for counseling, etc.......and, as a former psychoanaylst, I took to it like a duck to water. I'll tell you more about it - however just now my wonnderful son-in-law, Wayne, is looking over my shoulder, wondering when I'll stop. You'll be hearing more about Wayne also, along with much else, for he is the one who just set this up for me - and listening or reading my rambles was not part of our "contract". So, Fanita (that's my real name) time to stop for now! and you'll hear more from me soon for this
is very exciting......
.
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